Tuesday, July 22, 2008

22th july 2008

It’s two in the morning and I still can’t sleep because of the tea. But thanks to the tea, I’d recover from constantly rising fever, unstoppable flu and killing-me cough.
Sha just broke up with her boyfriend, from unstoppable weep to unstoppable crazy thoughts; she can’t wait to come back see me, of course. It’s her semester break! Who can ever live without emma the unlivable friend?! She has to come back see me; we got lots of things to share.
It’s been almost ten years, and we’re still talking like a ‘chicken butt’ when we see each other. The weird thing is, we sometimes hate to talk to each other so much that we prefer to just shut the fuck up and enjoy each other’s company; and everyone will think that we’re just the cool friend. They have no idea how much craps we talk about; maybe this is what we called neutral. Sometimes cool, sometimes hot. Yeah…..
It’s rather funny to talk about how we met, we were big time enemy that end up being big time best buddies? This is a true story people! It’s not some series on television!
I’m just glad that we can keep this relationship on even when we’re apart.

negative beats positive?

In my life, I met pessimist more than optimist. These people like to grief about their life, saying “I hate my life”, “life sucks”, “life is boring” and so on. Human are more too pessimistic.
Define pessimist, people who always expect bad things happen in the future or a situation that will have a bad result. This is what most people do, even I, who think that I’m optimistic will sometimes have this kind of thought. For example, sometimes when I want to tell someone about something, the first reaction I could think of is ‘the bad’, ‘the long ’, ‘the pissed’, ‘the freak out’ faces, every possible none optimistic face.
Say if you want to tell someone that you admire them or you wants to ask them on a date, the first thing you’ll think of is – will he freak out? You’ll be worry about what is going to happen next, thinking about the same thing all night long, wondering the freak out face that he or she is going to show you. That sounds stupid to you when some one told you that they did that. But when it happens to you, you will think that this is a different situation.
Well, that’s what most people think….
Enough with the merry-go-around, what I’m trying to tell is I hate people telling others that they hate their life, their life fucked them up, they give up their life. It’s not that my life is great or fantastic; I just never get fed up with my life. Maybe it’s because of their surroundings, people they mingle with, but even these pessimists make friends with optimists, the chances of pessimists get influenced by optimists is really low. They intend to stay in their sad world. Sad to hear….
Some people will think that I don’t know how much they suffer, why they would think of suicide. They think that no one understand how they feel. I have been through that, I’d once thought of suicide cause of my family problems. I was so close to stop my pulse. It was then I thought of people who really love me. No matter how hard I got the pressure from my parents, still, this is not the way to neither make them happy nor solve my problems. I will die of regrets, leaving – my parents, sad, of all these years of love and dedication; wasted, my friends – sad too, trying to figure out why I killed myself and lost a real true friend who can actually understand their thoughts ( trust me ), my pets – wondering where their lovable owner gone ….. I have to say, that I’m kind of proud to have all these people grieving for my death, still, I’m not going to kill myself.
The point is, I just hope that people can actually enjoy their life, even with obstacle, cause that’s what makes life more meaningful. Until the end, what you get is not just materially rich, but rich in experience, outlook, love, care, happiness, all the valuable perception that you can bring to after life. Because we all know that we can’t bring money to after life but the feeling is always there in the heart.

Friday, July 4, 2008

my so called first love

My first lust was a mess..
It's been more than one year, and, i don't think that i'm over with it yet. Sometimes i still wonder how he felt, for me of course.
We'd been part a few times, and, i think this times hurts the most. When he told me that he was going away for job, i was already kinda disapointed. But i still have that will to date him.
At first, everything was still fine with smses and calls, but then, one day when we were chatting, in a sudden, he asked me to consider our situation. I mean, what kind'of situation are we in?!
Then, there came the 'i think we're not for each other' word.
Boom! That's it.
We use to be so sweet with all those frank conversation. He'd always been so comfy to me. And I loved his companion, not because he's my guy, it's because....i loved to see him with his charming smile,
and mostly,
the way he talks.
He's been so understanding and matured to me. He leads me-in 'anywhere' and 'how'.
He taught in- anything.
I was so silly, that sometimes i dream i was gonna marry him.
I love looking at him every morning i wakes up.
I miss looking at him slept tight.
and now i'm so over with him
accept his sexy appeal is still bugging my sex life... ToT

reality show

Define reality,
it's something known to have happened or to be exist,quality of being real, also, known as -the fact.
It has always be true that life is an extreme game . A wrong route could take a toll on one's life .
And by the age of 18 is the age of everyone having one step closer to the reality.
To survive in this extreme game, one has to have lot of determine. Only strong willed will take one to the top.
In reality, one can be wicked but not lose one's honesty entirely. One can be mean but not lose one's kindness entirely. One can be fake, but not lose one's personality entirely.
Moderation has always been taught in mylife. hopefully, this lesson will stay permenant in my life.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

the game

So much for those promise
So much for those dreams
So much for those memories
So much for those empty words
it's a game with so much,
yet, it's a game with not much.

2008 christmas

It is fun to meet new friends, friends that are a free thinker, open minded.
I met these friends on Christmas, and their first impression to me is - not the kind that you should make friends with. Ya, it wasn't a good impression 'cause they smoke, i think.... Maybe i stick too much with 'bad' smoker, that i never thought that there could be a 'holly' smoker. It's not like their so holly, that they talk holly or be holly; they just have the holly hearts and thought. They're not fakers.
These friends have their thoughts: we don't need to act holly just so that people know we're holly. That's the kinda true friend i say, no scripts, no act, no judgement; just frank thought and talk; and they think that we should be thankful no matter you're poverty stricken or fully loaded.
Also these friends... well,
they don't talk looking at your boobs when you're wearing something with less cloth. Usually guys that i know, they"ll be stunted and have no idea what are they talking and act cool.
Anyway, it's fun to make new friends.

break up days

No one ever feels good when they broke up, including me.
To let loose, some choose to cry out loud, work out, talk with friends etc, and, i choose - run away.
It's not a wise way to let loose but i got used to with it. Cause after sometime, i'll get over with it and eventually i forgot about it. Only sometime, some incident reminds me of those...days.
It just that i hope that i could make a use of my bff cause that's what bff for, they talk to you, cheer you up.
Still, my bff looked the best in their great silence company, and pretend like none of these is more important than we girls hang out and have a crave fun; reminding me: single is hot and..........HOT.


Slut, this word defines unconventional women. This means women who fuck with anyone and do whatever they like. They were more degrading than whores, whores get paid, and sluts don’t.
What about men? What do we call a man who fuck with anyone and do whatever they like? Why women get to call slut and men don’t?
Even we’re in 21st century, women discrimination never ends. It starts from Stone Age to an advanced global.
There are issues of candidates were disqualified because they are women. Most of the societies have these common opinions – women duties are: stay home, take care of the whole family, do whatever the husband wish for; or should I say ‘be a slave of the family’. These people think that women can not be as capable as men do. This view had made women sometimes give up and some have to put extra effort on what they’re trying to achieve.
Women are seen to be a weak society after kids, victims of abusive and rapist. Mostly these victims remain silence after they’ve encounter such unfortunate. What make those victims remain such unworthy silence? Is it because they were lacked of concerned of their family? Or, is it because they were lacked of self-protect education?
It seems that women need protection, but did they get the protection that they really need?


I saw this bulletin in my file, it was talking about "if he wants you to back in his, what're you going to do?"
I say, no matter how much you love him, make it LOVED. Tell him to fuck off!!Tell him i'm sick off your fucking attitude!! Don't even give him a damn!! You don't deserve to be treat like that, you deserves a better one. Don't ever think that you don't have any good things to sell, everyone have that thing. All you need, is dig it up.
Don't prove to him that you live better after you guys break up cause that'll just make him think that you're a loser who can't live with out him. Don't even think to get another guy in speed cause he won't feel offended.
The best thing you need to do is - be yourself, single is hot, have fun with your friends, now that you're single; you can fuck your attractive neighbour with no worries, dress up nice and make those guys thrist for you, we singles don't often sell our things; it's just for show.


1/2/08 7.45pm is an unforgettable day, it is neither something nice to remembered nor mention.
Dad decided to go and have some outside food. We were well prepared, and ready to set out. When I arrived to a fork in the road, the sky was already turning dark; just like others driver, I check the road. It was the last check when everything went wrong. I pass to the opposite right hand-side of the road; suddenly mum shouted to warn me there’s a motor coming, but it was already too late. I can’t even see where the motor came from, there’s not sign of it as the motorist didn’t turn on the light and he came with a lightning, everything was unpredictable.
I can still remember the moment he hit the side of my car, I only saw him when he was going to hit me. I turned when he hit my side; still I can feel glasses smashed on my face and hand, thousand pieces of glasses falling from my head. There were pieces stick on my face and I can taste the blood on lips.
Mum and dad are not hurt. We got down from the car, there was an Indian guy lying on the road suffering, wailing. His helmet flew away, his lost quarter of his face and his entire tooth. When he tried to get up, his head’s blood was flowing like a pipe. There were police everywhere, we were asked to go to hospital and lodge a report at the traffic department.
Mum and I went to hospital before the Indian’s family came. At the hospital I can still hear him crying bitterly.
After everything was settled, mum and I went back and took a good night sleep. This morning I got up, I still can feel there are pieces of glasses in my mouth.


Everyday, i rush back home just to see you.
After meeting, i rush back to see you.
I can't wait to come back see you everytime i go out.
I can't stop thinking bout you, even i'm just outside the house, i think about you.
I wan to be with you the whole time.
Want you to stay by my side.
I love you more than i love Sha
I love you more than Joan
I love more than mum
I love you more than i love nat
I love you so much midknight, and start to feel that i'm kinda abnormal. I'm more into you than human

on second thought

I always thought I’m in some happy family that everyone envied and I always told Sha that if anything goes wrong between you and your family, just go and talk to them, I’m sure they’ll listen cause before the years, my parents were a good listeners’. I never been in her shoe, I don’t know how she felt at that time. In the end, she did talk to her parents to solve things out. Now, I have to say that I think that I’m becoming a loser who knows how to advice. I have family problems like no one else. I get tension from it like no one else too. When I thought of what I said to Sha, maybe it wasn’t really that hard to talk to parents. Indeed, I was hard cause parents are different and they sometimes can change too. I just need them to hear my opinion, maybe just by listen will do. Whenever I propose a suggestion, or how I felt, a shoot back is what I get. I know every parent have different thoughts but why can they just be more tolerate? Harsh words comes from a stranger hurt almost nothing, harsh words come from a friend might hurt a bit but never did leave a scar, but harsh words comes from parents make you feels like your heart broke into thousand pieces of glass. When people asked them to do them a favor, they’ll give it a hand without hesitating. When their own children ask favors from them, it’ll be something like no respect or bossy. I wonder where they got that kind of idea. As I was saying, parents are indeed as dramatic as a poser.


Schule geht nicht, ich traf neue Freunde, Freunde glatt, die Fakers, Posers, Feinde sind. sie täuschen vor, als ob sie wirklich mögen und versuchen, andere Leute zu überzeugen, dass Sie ein Slut sind, wenn Sie nicht herum sind. sie haben schändliche Gespräche hinter Ihrer Rückseite, sie klatschen über Ihr Leben, bilden Geschichte von ihr. und als sie herausfanden, dass Sie die gleiche Sache sie antaten, fungieren sie gerade als ob sie don' t wissen und gehen mit jenen Lügen und Taten weiter sie sind pathetischer Verlierer, die denken, dass ich ein Heuchler bin, der sie eingebrannte Materialien besitzend bewundert, gebrandmarkt Materialien, die Fälschung eine sind. sie ist, wie sie Gehirn ihren Verstand wuschen und erklärt sich dieses it' s zutreffend von, was sie kaufen. sie sehen keine Bedeutung des Lebens, sie dachten, dass eingebrannte so besitzend, ihr Leben besser werden lässt, das nie geschieht. sie sehen keine Bedeutung der Freundschaft, sie dachten, dass Freunde sind für, wann Sie Hilfe benötigen, der sie schließlich keine echten Freunde finden. sie sind hoffnungsloses lebendes Geschöpf in der Gesellschaft, Einsparung, die sie von solchen Gedanken wie die Regierung sind, die ihr Geld auf der Förderung bestimmten races' investiert; Leben. sie sind eine unbehandelbare Krankheit

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

i'm fine and always am

This is my first time of writing my own blog when I’m down. Why is that?

Well before this, I choose to not talk about my sadness or things that trouble me the most because I was hoping that it’ll eventually fade away. So, no bringing up incident or talk is allowed between me and people around me. Sha hate when I do that because she knows that there something troubling me but insist to tell her next time when I’m feeling better and not feeling sensitive about, in the end, I never tell her – I forgot.

Those problem never fade away, instead it become worst; well I just found out about it lately. I should have just talk about it rather than ask myself to hold the tears all the time. But it’s all too late, Sha is not here anymore, the one who understand me the most. I can just talk to anyone I like but then, the feeling, just isn’t right. Sha don’t need explanations that’s why I love her so much, there’s not buggy questions or buggy consoles. I think I just like the way she’s ignoring after I told her, and remembering what I said. Still, I want to keep myself not to weep in front of people. Maybe it’s because of my egoism or I just want to stay optimistic. I like keeping my image, and I think it’s not a good thing. Sometimes can get tired trying all my best to keep my image.

I really can’t stand those problems anymore, just so devastating. Now I understand why some people choose to suicide when they can’t face the problem anymore. Because sometimes, not everything can be talk out, it needs a lot of courage. Even if you have the courage to talk it out, doesn’t mean the problem can be sort out, it might get even worst.

I did the talking thing and I thought that’s it, that’s the end of my problem, instead it make everything become worst.

It’s not like I didn’t make an effort to solve the problem. Well, let’s just say an argument can not be occurred with just one party, it needs two sides. It seems that no matter how much I tried to make everything look less serious, it’s useless; agreement can only be achieved by more than one party.

I like looking happy to everyone, why would I want to be sad when I can be happy. So run away from the problem and stay happy.