Tuesday, July 28, 2009

i think i'm lost. yet i think i'm just doing fine.

It’s been so long since I last blog. Part of it, is because I’ve been working 7days a week. Part of it, it’s because my habit of talking to myself had gone way too far.

Since I have memories, I knew that I’ve been talking to myself about my own problems, about almost everything. Until I found Sha I guess, I was still talking in my mind, but to her that I was telling. She couldn’t understand. Of course, who could understand that someone is trying to talk to her using her mind?

That’s why sometimes, there’s conflict between me and Sha. She blamed me that I did not being very honest to her. The fact is, I was telling her everything- in my mind.

Now that she’s no more with me most of the time, I kept my problem, my sadness, my happiness, my feelings; to me most of the time. My life had seems to be depending on Sha’s existence so much that my habits of talking to myself and people using my thought-mind, had become worst.

I was actually talking to everyone around me most of the time-in mind, just that I have no idea why I couldn’t pronounce it in language. I am not being ironic. But I think that I am having depression. Sometimes, it’s so hard that no one can understand me so much that I really feel like Suicide. But I want to die in a pretty-looking way, awkwardly.

My work had really taken a toll on me, physically and mentally. It is not something that I expected to be. Because I thought it’ll be great, to have someone really looked up on you and know that you’re good at it. Of course, life is a boat that will rock.

Nathanael said he’s lost. I think I am lost –in my mind. I don’t know that of all these time, what I thought, what I knew, what I saw, is it reality or it’s what I want it to be.