modern swinger

I am now currently 19 and going to face my final MHSC (Malaysia Higher School Certificate) soon. All my life, I never worked for any exams. Now, I have to memorize; revise everything in order to score in this final.

I took the Pre-U program because I still can’t figure out what I should do after wondering around for 1 whole year. I worked for a few companies but it just didn’t seem to work out. I don’t even know what I want to do with my life. I have no directions of where I should go or what I should do but it’s always been my dream to become something that has to do with the environment. Still, I wasn’t sure if I’m really into that, so I didn’t make any decision of what I should do after my MCE (Malaysian Certificate of Education).

So here I am now, going to sit for my MHSC. Before this, all my friends were talking about which University they wanted to go, what subjects they were going to take. They planned for their future a long time ago and I just started planning my future a few days ago. Hope it’s not too late.

If I can’t take forestry or agriculture course, my last choice would be TESL (Teaching English as Second Language). I have already applied for temporary teacher but the notification will only come out next year. Hopefully I can get the job to lessen mum’s burden while waiting for the MHSC’s results and be able to get into Uni.

disappointments

3/11/2008
I was so disappointed when Nat say that he won’t stop me from smoking, in fact he encourage me to smoke. If I want to do something, I’ll do no matter how people don’t like it.
I used to smoke and none of my ex.’ allow me to smoke, even my fuck body cares for me. It’s not that Nat does not cares for me, he just want someone to company him smoke. Maybe it’s just me; I never thought that my guy would encourage me to do something that can harm my health and life. Sigh, what to do? Just deal with it, since the day I know him, he’s already a smoker, just never thought that he’ll support me even though my decision is harmful.

global warming is heating Maxwell up

2/11/2008

This morning, I went to Maxwell hill with Nat and it’s so hot that I get sunburn. Maxwell used to be cooling; it can be cold until you can see your breath. Well, that is what my mum told me about her old time, where Taiping is such a cooling place that, every morning when she goes to school, she can see her breath. Maxwell was well known for its weather, and flora and fauna. But that was all past, since global warming, everything seems to be warming up. Even the coolest place in Malaysia, Genting Highland can make me sweat too. And this is all because of human’s “ways of develop”. Sadly, Maxwell, Genting, Cameran etc, all these cooling and nice places are warming up, and we cannot enjoy the cool breeze and fresh air anymore……

Anyway, we still manage to take some photo.

exercise with my lovables

28/10/2008
Around 5pm, Nat and I took midknight(big) and macphee(small) to Taiping’s war cemerety. Midknight and Macphee both had fun running around the field, so energetic. We all have fun that
day.

puppies to give away

There are seven puppies going for adoption. 1½ months old. Mum is mongrel, dad looks like bull terrier mixed shar pei . These cute little fellows needs a shelter asap, or they’ll be put to sleep.

i'm so fed up with all your shits

Mum was being unreasonable again this morning. She asked me to note down some stuffs when her friend called her and gave her some info about the car. I was trying to write what she said. It was confusing, so I ask her repeat it to confirm whether what I wrote correct or not. As usual, she got pissed off; she snatched the pencil and paper to write it herself. After the call, she started scolding me because I never contribute anything to this family. It’s because she’s my mum and I respect her, doesn’t mean that she can be this over. I have done a lot for this family too. Every single thing she’ll ask me to do it, and I never whine about it. Because as a child, I knew that I have this responsibility to lessen mum’s burden. But the more I tolerate, the more she’ll step on me.

I twist my hand few weeks ago, and I can’t really drive non-powered-steering. I can already feel my hand numb after I took mum to temple this morning. My hand is getting worse and I know it. All this while, I’ve been telling mum that I twisted my hand, and it’s aching. She didn’t say anything. This evening, she ask me to take her to the doctor, I agree but on second thought, I think it’s better for me to ask dad to drive because my hand is really getting more painful every time I use my right hand. I ask mum politely if it’s ok for dad to take her, she just fuck my face off. And all those unreasonable scolding and mocking come out from her mouth. She’s being unreasonable all this while and I’ve been tolerate and respect her for she is my mum; but not today. I scream at her. She drove away with her bike and didn’t listen to me. I should have just stop her, and grab her to tell her how much she affects my life in a negative way, and how ungrateful she is because everyone in this family even Nat is being so tolerant to whatever she did.

i'm not caring?!

I’ve been dating almost 6 months, and I found out some rules that I need to remind you guys. Get all your close friends away from him. You can intro all of them to him but make sure that there’s no close talks, make sure that they won’t find any information about who you are, what you like, etc. If once they know who you are, they’ll set their mind an image of what your friends tell them. And that is a really big mistake cause it’s like a first impression, which will stick like forever no matter how much you try to change it, unless the person who give that impression tell them that you have indeed change.

That mistake happened to me. What Sha told Nat was true. The problem is Nat already have that impression of me and I can’t change it unless Sha tell him that I'd changed.

Nat always thinks that I’m not as caring as him. Thanks to Rae, now Nat can actually think that I’m caring, just not the way like he treat me. He might be caring me no matter what; protective, sometimes over protective, it's a visible action. This incident happened on Raya holiday. We went KL together and met Rae. Nat was sweating like hell as usual. I took my handkerchief to wipe his sweat. Rae thinks that it was sweet. Instead of thanking me, Nat was winning that I’m not wiping his sweat. Luckily Rae was there to prove him wrong. He wants me to be caring but he’s not even paying attention on me.

I always make an effort to go out with him, change more than 5 times to make sure I look perfect even I’m in my most casual outfit, I make sure that I’ll make him proud and not looks like dating a bimbo or a nerd.

He complained that I rather write other people than her own boy friend. What can I write when I can’t think of anything? Certainly no one will writes about every single incident in their life. I’m not going to write about we going for movies cause we go for movie like every once a week, and what else can it be after the movie? It’s going to be have supper together and have a short walk, or fuck and sleep over , or just drop me home and chat awhile, then go home. There’s nothing to write about, it’s too common that even I don’t know what to write. I’m not going to write what we chatted, we can talk the whole life, and I don’t have that time to write that much.....

If I’m not caring, I wouldn’t have mood swing every time you get sick and not going for doctor. If I’m not caring, I wouldn’t have nag or scold you. I can just date you and let you be whatever you are, become a loser or what, I don’t care. Watch you die of sickness or hunger; I won’t give a fuck if I don’t care about you.
How can you say that I’m not caring?